Chemical Ghosts (Uncensored)

I am a warzone in skin,

a static-drenched frequency no one tunes into.

Every breath is a glitch,

every thought a swarm of wasps

crashing into fluorescent walls of my skull.

ADHD dances in my veins

like gasoline in a matchbox—

itching, twitching, chasing infinity,

but never quite catching it.

Focus?

A myth I bleed for.

My mind is a roulette wheel with no winning number.

I start. I stop. I vanish.

Mid-sentence. Mid-life. Mid-everything.

BPD is the scream under my skin—

a storm that wears my face.

I love like drowning,

clawing at people like lifeboats

but dragging them under with me.

Do you see me?

Do you still see me now?

What if I rip off my skin—would that make me real?

I paint people into gods

then curse them for bleeding.

Abandon me, and I’ll shatter.

Stay too close, and I’ll burn you.

I am both arsonist and ashes,

a girl on fire who hates the heat.

MDD is the undertaker—

he sits by my bed and whispers lullabies in lead.

He tells me nothing matters.

He cradles my will to live in his cold hands

and slowly crushes it

until it’s a fine dust coating my teeth.

I wake up and pray for numb.

Not peace. Not joy. Just less.

The weight is chronic.

The fog, thick enough to choke on.

I smile like a ventriloquist’s doll—

expression pulled by invisible hands

while my insides rot from the silence.

People say “It gets better.”

They mean well.

But I don’t want “better.”

I want relief.

I want a break from being a haunted house

with lights flickering,

windows shattered from the inside.

I break things before they can leave me.

Jobs. Friendships. Mirrors.

Myself.

I am an expert in self-destruction

masquerading as coping.

There is no tidy recovery arc here.

Just survival.

Just standing in the middle of the wreck

and calling it a home.

Still—

I carve poems from the ruins,

songs from the screams,

beauty from the bleeding.

Still—

I dare to exist in this firestorm,

refusing to vanish,

even when vanishing is all I want.

Still—

I am here.

And that is a defiance

no diagnosis can erase.

© filteredserendipity

© zeivya